SOFTWARE FIRMS

1. NIIT: Not Interested in IT

2. WIPRO: Weak Input, Poor & Rubbish Output

3. HCL: Hidden Costs & Losses

4. TCS: Totally Confusing Solutions

5. INFOSYS: Inferior Offline Systems

6. HUGHES: Highly Useless Graduates Hired for Eating and Sleeping

7. BAAN: Beggars Association and Nerds

8. IBM: Implicitly Boring Machines

9. SATYAM: Sad and Tired Yelling Away Madly

10. PARAM: Puzzled and Ridiculous Array of Microprocessors

11. C-DOT: Coffee during Office Timings

12. AT&T: All Troubles & Terrible

13. CMC: Coffee, Meals and Comfort

14. DEC: Drifting & Exhausted Computers

15. BFL: Brainwash first and Let them go

17. TISL: Totally Inconsistent Systems Ltd.

18. PSI: Peculiar Symptoms of India

19. ORACLE: On-line Romance And Chatting with Lady Employees.

20. PATNI: Pathetic Appraisal Techniques,No Increments.

A case of a kiss and a slap:

Bush, Manmohan, Aishwarya Rai and Sonia are traveling in a train.

The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark . Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel.

The women and Manmohan are sitting there looking perplexed.

Bush is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap.

All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.

Sonia is thinking:

These Americans are all crazy after Aishwarya. Bush must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him.

Aishwarya is thinking:

Bush must have tried to kiss me but kissed Sonia instead and got slapped.

Bush is thinking:

Damn it. Manmohan must have tried to kiss Aishwarya. She might have thought it was me and slapped me.

Manmohan is thinking:

If this train goes through another tunnel I will make another kissing sound and slap Bush again.

SUICIDE : 20TH FLOOR

Three Construction workers are working on the 20th floor of a tall building in Bombay. One is a Mallu, the second is a Bengali and the third is a Sardarji.

Every day all the three meet in the lunch hall and have their lunch together . One fine day -- the Mallu opened his lunch box and finds idlis in the box.

He says " I am fed up of eating these idlis daily. If I find idlis in the box tommorow, I will jump from the 20th floor and die."

Next the Bengali opens his lunch box and finds Fish in it and says "If I find fish in my lunch box tommorow, I am going to jump from the 20th floor of this building and die. "

Next the Sardarji opens his lunch box and finds Parathas in it and says " Mother promise, if I find parathas in my box tommorow I am also going to jump from the 20th floor"

Next day the three friends meet in the lunch room for lunch. Mallu opens his lunch box and finds Idlis and promptly jumps from the 20th floor and dies.

The Bengali opens his lunch box and finds fish in it and jumps from the 20th floor and dies.

Sardarji opens his box and finds parathas and he also jumps from the 20th floor and dies.

In the combined funeral held for all the three friends by their colleagues, the Mallu's widow says " I did not know he hated idlis so much. If not I would have packed something else for his lunch "

The Bengali's widow says " I did not know he hated fish so much. If not I would have packed something else for his lunch"

The sardarji's widow says " I do not understand what went wrong. My husband always prepared his own lunch....!!!”

Difference between Boys and Girls while using ATM

Boys:

1. Drive to the bank, park and go to the Cash Dispenser.

2. Insert card

3. Dial code and desired amount

4. Take the cash, the card and the slip

Girls:

1. Drive to the bank

2. Engine stalled

3. Check make-up in the mirror

4. Apply perfume

5. Manually check haircut

6. Park the car - failure

7. Park the car - failure

8. Park the car - Success

9. Search for the card in the handbag

10. Insert card, rejected by the machine

11. Throw phone card back in handbag,

12. Look for bank card.

13. Insert Card

14. Look for Secret Box (where secret code is written)in Handbag

15. Enter code

16. Study instructions for 2 minutes

17. #Cancel#

18. Re-enter code

19. #Cancel#

20. Call Boyfriend/husband to get correct the code

21. Enter desired amount

22. #Error#

23. Enter bigger amount

24. #Error#

25. Enter maximum amount

27. Take cash

28. Go back to the car

29. Check make up in rear mirror

30. Look for keys in handbag

31. Start car

32. Drive 50 meters

33. STOP

34. Drive back to bank machine

35. Go out of the car

36. Take card and ticket back from machine

37. Go back to the car

38. Throw card on passenger seat

39. Throw slip on the floor

40. Check make up in rear mirror

41. Manually check haircut

42. Go into roundabout - wrong way

43. BRAKE

44. Go into roundabout - right way

45. Drive 5 kilometers

46. Remove hand brake

47. Call boyfriend/husband to tell how miserable she was because of

HIM.

Wine v/s Water

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. oli) - bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)

because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.

funny e mail id's of movie stars [ bollywood ]

Funny email addresses of the stars…

Abhishek Bacchan: I_can_act_too@yuva.comThis e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it

Amitabh Bacchan: accept_any_role@after.kaunbanegacrorepati.tvThis e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it

Anil Kapoor: expert@copyingsouthindianmovies.comThis e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it

Salman Khan: why_do_I_always_get_into_trouble@needagirlfriend.comThis e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it

Shah Rukh Khan: kkkkkkkkkkk....kiran@mostmovies.comThis e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it

Ram Gopal Varma: same_formula@bombayunderworldghost stories.co.in

Sunil Shetty: hoping_to_be@indianarnold.comThis e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it

Aamir Khan: whats_up_with_the_hairstyle@mangalpande.comThis e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it

Aamir Khan(alternate address): married_or_not@toomanyaffairs.comThis e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it

Saif Ali Khan: goofy_roles@suitsmeperfect.comThis e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it

Hrithik Roshan: main_aisa_kyon_hoon@howtheheckdoweknow.comThis e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it

Hrithik Roshan (alternate address): main_aisa_kyon_hoon@askyourdad.comThis e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it

Ajay Devgan: finally_I_started_to_act@aftersomanyyears.comThis e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it

Bobby Deol: noone_thinks_I_can_act@getanotherjob.comThis e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it

Sunny Deol: He is still busy fighting Pakistani soldiers. Mail address is a secret.

Urmila: ramgopalvarma_has_forgotten_me@nomorerangeela.comThis e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it

Mallika Sherawat: I_dont_need_to_act@overexposureworks.comThis e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it

Amisha Patel: Kaho_na_pyaar_hai@wasmyonlyhit.comThis e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it

Kareena Kapoor: oh_iam_so_cute_and_talented@nobodyelsethinksso.comThis e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it

Raveena Tandon: waiting_for_third_umpire@stumped.comThis e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it

If a STUDENT makes a mistake

If a BARBER makes a mistake, it's a new style.....................


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If a DRIVER makes a mistake, it's an accident.....................


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If a DOCTOR makes a mistake, it's an operation....................


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If an ENGINEER makes a mistake, it is a new venture...............


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If a POLITICIAN makes a mistake, it is a new law..................


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If a SCIENTIST makes a mistake, it is a new invention.............


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If a TAILOR makes a mistake, it is a new fashion..................


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If a TEACHER makes a mistake, it is a new theory..................


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If a STUDENT makes a mistake, it is a "MISTAKE" !!!!!!!!!!!!!


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Ideal 'ORKUT' profile of a Software Engineer.

About me: I think I am changing the world, but I am not. I think I am contributing to the Indian economy, but I guess I am not. I think I love my work, but I do not. I think I hate all people who made me earn my engineering degree, and I do. I think I am living, but and most importantly, I am LOOKING for someone to make me live !! Ok...I won't be funny anymore. I am a cool guy with a zeal to enjoy life (For all those who know me--> "Just stop laughing!!")



Relationship status : what?



Birthday : The day my PL is about to fire me.



Age : 10111
1111
111



Here for: web browsing in company hours.



Children : can't be (hey, don't get me wrong here!!)



Ethnicity : Programmer.



Languages I speak : Java, C/C++, 010101110101



Religion: I get holidays on all religious festivals, so I love all religions.



Political view : the guy sitting beside me is a pig!!



Humor : weekly.



Fashion: Ask my company HR. Btw, I like jeans, t-shirt and a cross-bag.



Smoking: The second greatest pleasure on the earth.



Drinking : The first is this.



Pets: Yeah, my PL looks like a dog. :-)


Living: Cummon, this is a stupid one. How can this be asked to a software engineer? Believe me, I am living!!



Hometown : My company (Oh God! Please bring my appraiser to this page)


Webpage: http://naukri.com, http://jobsahead.com – Isn't it Ultimate???



Passions: searching for the cheapest pub around, cursing my company, looking for other company, remembering my good old college days, worrying about my future.


Sports: quake, CS (Counter Strike), computer chess.


Activities: Are you crazy?


Books: "How to lose weight in 20 days?", "How to live a happy life?", "101 ways to attract a girl", "Java Unleashed", "C++ at your footsteps", Others censored.


Music: Metallica, Pink Floyd, Nirvana, ACDC, and anything depressing.


Tv shows : can't afford one.


Cuisines : Bread Butter, Maggi, anything available within 200 meteres of my cubicle....



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Alt Ctrl Del

IF ONLY LIFE COULD BE LIKE A COMPUTER!

If you messed up your life, you could press "Alt, Ctrl, Delete" and start all over!


To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!


If you needed a break from life, click on "suspend".


Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.

To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.


To "add/remove" someone in your life, click settings and control panel.


To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.


If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.


When you lose your car keys, click on "find".


"Help" with the chores is just a click away.


You wouldn't need auto insurance. You'd use your diskette to recover from a crash.


We could click on "send" and the kids would go to bed immediately.


To feel like a new person, click on "refresh".


Click on "close" to shut up the kids and spouse.


To undo a mistake, click on "back".


Is your wardrobe getting old? Click "update".


you don't like cleaning the litter box, click on "delete".


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MEN n WOMEN

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Men:


1. All men are extremely busy.


2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.


3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.


4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one Around.



5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their Luck with others.


6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off If the women leaves them.


7. Although the women leaves them they still don't learn from their Mistakes and still try their luck with others.


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Women:


1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.


2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive Clothes.


3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something To wear.


4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress Beautifully.


5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "An old rag".


6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still Expect you to compliment them.


7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't Believe you


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Love VS Marriage

Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.



Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.
Marriage is a take home packet.



Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.



Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.



Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early.



Love is a romantic drive.
Marriage is arrive on tops curvy tarmac .



Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.



Love is sweet nothing in the ear.
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.



Tv has no place in love.
Marriage is a fight for remote control.



Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!".



Conclusion: "Love is blind, Marriage is an eye opener!"

9 Things I Hate

9 Things I Hate

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time...I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?


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2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.


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3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?


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4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it?


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5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?” No Loser, I paid Rs.125 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.


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6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?


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7. When something is 'new and improved!’ Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.


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8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?


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9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?” If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?


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FUNNY MATHEMATICS

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS



Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy



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OFFICE ARITHMETIC




Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime



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SHOPPING MATH



A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.



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GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS



A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.



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HAPPINESS



To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.



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LONGEVITY



Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.



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PROPENSITY TO CHANGE



A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.



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DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE



A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



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HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED



Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Specimen!!!

Santa came home from work to find his lovely bride, Jeeto, sitting in the living room still in her bath robe.

"Jeeto darling" he says "what's the matter, you are still in your robe."

"Ah Dear," says Jeeto, "I was not feeling well. I didn't know what to do so I called Doctor Khurana. 'I'll need a specimen', he says and hung up. I don't know what a specimen is."

"Oh! I don't know either. Why don't you go up stairs to Mrs Banta and ask her, may be she'll be able to tell you."
Off goes Jeeto bounding up the stairs.
Soon Santa hears a horrible thump, bang and a loud crash. Opening his door, he sees Jeeto piled up at the bottom of the landing.
"Jeeto, what happened?"
"I told Preeto what the doctor said and she told me to just piss in a bottle. So I told her to shit in her purse . . . and the fight was on.

Best Goat !!

One day Santa was talking with a salesman about his goats. As they were talking the salesman noticed that one of the goats had a wooden leg. "What`s the deal with the goat with the wooden leg?" asked the salesman.

"Oh! That`s the best goat I`ve got, best goat I`ve ever had, could just be the best goat in the whole world!" said the farmer. "Six months ago, in the middle of the night our house caught fire. That goat crawled under the fence, ran to the house, beat on our bedroom window with his horns, woke us up and saved the lives of my whole family and me! That`s the best goat I`ve got, best goat I`ve ever had, could just be the best goat in the whole world!" "Okay, okay!" said the salesman. "But what`s the deal with the wooden leg?"

"Well, heck" said Santa, "A good goat like that, you can`t eat him all at once!"

Efficiency Expert!

Efficiency expert, Banta, concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home. "

"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife`s routine at breakfast for years," Banta explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, `Why don`t you try carrying several things at once?`"

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied Banta, "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

Santa Got mail !

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his neighbor, our Santa, came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. He opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into his house.

A little later Santa came out of his house again,looking nervous, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house he went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here Santa came again, looking very heated up. He marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by his actions, the man asked him, "Is something wrong Santa ji?"

To which Santa replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail !!"

Umbalo-Gong

Santa and Banta fly to the south sea islands to study the natives. They go to two adjacent islands and set to work. A few months later Santa takes a boat over to the other island to see how Banta is doing. When he gets there, he finds Banta standing among a group of natives.

"Greetings! How is it going?" says Santa.

"Wonderful!" says Banta, "I have discovered an important fact about the local language! Watch!"

He points at a palm tree and says, "What is that?"

The natives, in unison, say, "Umbalo-gong!"

He then points at a rock and says, "And that?"

The natives again intone, "Umbalo-gong!"

"You see!", says the beaming Banta, "They use the SAME word for 'rock' and for 'palm tree'!"

"That is truly amazing!" says the astonished Santa, "On the other island, the same word means 'index finger'!"

Santa in ICU

A man was brought in to the hospital intensive care ward, put in a bed, tubes coming out everywhere. A week later, another man was admitted, in a similar condition.

Both lay there, machines pinging, tubes poking etc. a couple more weeks before one of them had the strength to raise his hand and point to himself and say, "Bengali."

The other patient signaled he had heard, raised his own hand, and said, "Punjabi."

This act tired them out so badly it was a week before the first summoned up the strength to say, "Calcutta."

Other replied in a weedy frail voice, "Ludhiana."

Once more, the strain was too much for them both and they passed out. Days passed before the first patient managed to again point to himself and say, "Asit."

Replied the other, "Santa."

A few hours later, Asit managed to point to himself again and rasp out weakly, "Cancer."

Santa responded, "Sagittarius."

A round of drinks

Banta was not home at his usual hour, and his wife, Preeto, was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was Banta, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.

"Do you realize what time it is?" she asked.

He answered, "Don't get excited. I'm late because I bought something for the house."

Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked, "What did you buy for the house, dear?"

Banta's answer was, "A round of drinks!"